…But I can change him/her! He/she will change for me…
I know I have heard this before. May have even said it before.
You meet someone, spend time with them and you start to see things that you really cannot live with. But he/she is so cute! Super sexy! Instead of moving on because right now, you are not a good fit, you say to yourself that they will change for you. You are THE ONE after all .
You have been in this relationship for a minute and you see they are not a good communicator but you have been working on communicating and you can teach them right? Or maybe you know your worth and see that they can’t really see it yet, so you make plans to help them see it because you just know that they don’t want to lose you.
Is he/she the kind of person that will not introduce you to their friends or family? A Narcissist? Maybe they are not the type of person to settle down? Oh yes, you have the confidence you need to change all of that. You think you can mold them into the perfect person for you. They just need a little push right?
We all have thoughts of what we would like our relationships to look like and we are willing to do what we need to in order to make them successful. I will say this. If your relationship success is wrapped up in the idea of someone changing their behavior, you are in for a big let down. You are setting yourself up for a struggle and that is something you do not need nor deserve.
Changed behavior should not be a condition of any relationship. If this person is being who they truly are right now and it doesn’t fit with what will serve you in the relationship, it just is not for you! You deserve someone who is good enough for you right now, in this moment, just the way they are. Just like you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who believes that you are good enough for them right now…in this moment. And you give each other space to grow and be better as time progresses.
I don’t think we should fall so in love with a person’s potential that we sit around waiting weeks, months, or even years for the person that we “know” they can be. They have to know their potential and go after the growth themselves…for themselves! Periodtttttt. I mean we are all different and some kind of change is needed to make a relationship successful for both of you, but completely changing who they are?! It won’t work. Even if you see them doing what it is your requesting, do you think it will be a lasting change if they don’t feel that it was an issue for them? The motivation to change has to come from them for it to truly happen and last.
Change comes from within
When a person is just sick and tired of being sick and tired of the outcomes in their life, they may decide to make a change. They may let go of what is not benefitting them, do some deep work, and make the lasting changes need to have a more desired outcome. THEY have to decide or it just won’t stick. You know that for yourself when someone has asked you to change something about yourself. Unless you really want it too, forget about it being a lasting change.
If you can get them to change just to please you, that makes the love conditional and who wants that? No one deserves love that comes with rules and regulations or you risk having the love denied to you. That is wrong and if feels crappy! I know…been there, felt that! You wouldn’t change for conditional love; don’t ask someone else to do it.
So maybe we don’t want to try to push someone to change. That is not saying that we can’t help them find a reason to want to make the change for themselves. As a result, it would benefit the relationship. The reason is YOU! The supportive, loyal, funny, driven (and all of those other adjectives to describe why you are a prize) person you are and that may be the motivation they need to do what needs to be done to keep winning with you by their side.
We should not bend over backwards changing ourselves or working to convince someone that we are worth them changing for us. There is someone out there that is good enough for you the way they are today. And you are good enough for them just the way you are today. Let me say this, no one is perfect. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a person that will love you today, flaws and all, and be there to support and love you as you continue to grow into the person you are meant to be. Without pushing to change you. Or you having the mindset that you can change them.
There is not a person out there that doesn’t know that they need to do some work on themselves. In walks you with all of your greatness and all that you bring to the table. If they have any sense at all, you have just given them the motivation to push through and become someone that is worthy of someone such as yourself. And you didn’t have to lift a finger. Just slid in the room bringing all of your magic.
Protect your energy
Think about all of the time, energy, and compassion that you have wasted on someone who just did not have the tools or capacity to be what you needed. They just could not find the motivation to change within themselves for you. Maybe they did not believe they needed to. When you run into someone that does not see a reason to change anything about how the are behaving in a relationships with you, there is nothing that you can do to change them. It is not in them to do things differently. Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, know when to run…..you know the song!
Any change that they make is up to them. Any change you decide to make is your change. It has to be about the person themselves. Your growth is about you and no one else. The same can be said for them. If they don’t see a need to conduct themselves differently while in a relationship with you, you may have to consider packing up your magic and heading east…or west..wherever away from them is.
Whatever you decide to do, it is not wise to stay put in a relationship where the only thing holding you there is your dream of them living up to what you feel their potential is.
As they say on the plane during the safety briefing, put your oxygen on first before you try to save the other person….or whatever they said (wink)