I know that I do not speak for myself when I say that I was truly ill-equipped to make my own decisions as a young woman. From parents not allowing us to make small decisions as children to our friends and family imposing their personal opinions and desires on us as we grow into adulthood and beyond. There are different reasons for us all…reasons that we just did not get enough practice making our own decisions.

As we continue to grow, the sources of doubt may change. Does anyone have a mother-in-law that questions the decisions that you make when raising your children? Maybe it happens in your work environment because it doesn’t foster or support your talent. Most of us really want to feel so confident in our decisions that even when there is an opinion contrary to our own, we find the strength to keep moving ahead. Is this even possible? YES!

I have been through a lot and have had to live with the decisions of others on my life for many years. I just didn’t know any better. We always think that people have our best interest at heart when the truth is, they have THEIR best interest at heart, not yours. “If it were me….” is how they are thinking when they are telling you what you should do. Guess what? YOU are not them! Only you can make decisions for you. I am definitely someone who still struggles with this…but much more rarely than my younger years. This is all part of some things that I am working on in year 46 (yes I said it!) Although it can be hard at times, in the end, we will grow and learn and cope better with decisions that we have made on our own. You can’t blame anyone if you pulled the trigger right?

So why do we struggle with decision-making?

• Care what others think about what we do and say
• Feelings of guilt and shame
• Lack of self-love. When we are here, it is hard to trust ourselves or feel secure in what we do decide for ourselves.

 

Please understand that guilt is a healthy emotion because it does help us with the changes we do need to consider in our lives. Now when turning guilt into a sign that we are incapable or unworthy, then it becomes shame…Shame is destructive for us. THAT, we need to rid ourselves of for real. We also need to free ourselves from being people pleasers! We will never get where we want to go if we are concerned with how someone else is gonna feel about it. More than likely, they are not paying attention to how you feel when they make moves for their own lives. We need to deliver ourselves from caring how others feel and start to feel and listen to our bodies and minds. Tune in to what we desire and if we are called to do it, we need to move on that! We need to get to know ourselves, what we love and what we can do without. We need to do things that we love, be around people that love and support how we treat ourselves and have the desire to treat us well. We need to trust ourselves in our own hands. Why is it that we speak kindly to others and support their dreams but we turn our back on our own dreams and speak unkind words to ourselves? What the heck is wrong with us?!! We need to spend time building ourselves up while we are cheering everyone else on…periodtttttttttt

For most of my life, I knew what I wanted. I lost confidence in myself because I was always asking people for advice…I can’t even tell you why. I would ignore my gut feelings and take the advice of people who hardly even knew me, let alone my heart and intentions.

“The vast majority of advice you’ll receive comes from a place of love. But ultimately we have to make our own choice based on what’s best for us. You’ll never make a decision 100% of people will accept as a great decision. That’s ok. Don’t let people who don’t matter too much, matter too much.” -Wes Moore.

We need to stop taking surveys before we make moves in our own lives. Mind our own business!

Now many of us play the victim like we did in childhood. We resort to being passive about what we want and we play the blame game when things don’t work out the way we envisioned it.  Most of us learned at a young age how to play the victim. We were raised in families that acted from fear and it crippled us when it came to trusting ourselves to do what was right for us. People that live in victim mode always pity the hand that they were dealt and focus on how people have mistreated them. They feel sorry for themselves even when things are not going so bad.

When they look at vulnerability, they do not see it as an offense to be open to learning and growing and success, they see it as dangerous and weak and go on the defense

Playing the victim will undermine your joy and success with self-destructive behavior. We have to choose to take responsibility and create a life that we will truly enjoy.

“If we tell our story in a way that disempowers us we won’t know that we matter even in the midst of the story.”- Iyanla Vanzant

We need to use good judgment while making decisions for our lives and we are more than capable of doing it without the help of others. We choose who or what we believe…even when we listen and do what someone tells us, we are choosing to listen and obey. We need to examine what we hear and weigh it against our own sense of truth…and if you pray…pray about it! Do what feels right after you give it some thought, even if it goes against what someone told you to do. You’re allowed to create your own path without apologies.

If I may say this…We are responsible for who we are regardless of how we were raised. We have to know this and not continue to blame our past for what we are doing 30 years later in the present.