via Daily Prompt: Exposed

IMG_6361Have you ever wondered why it seems like your significant other does not care about you, but when you talk about splitting up, he is against it? I have heard women say, “He won’t let me go” a lot when they speak about the relationship that they are tired of being in. They are continuously grappling with if they should stay in their relationship or finally call it what it is…over. For some reason, they think that this man must truly love them because he won’t just walk away from the whole thing. Sometimes the man is truly in love and just needs the tools to love her the way she needs it. On the other hand, we have to be careful not to be fooled by the lack of movement.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that sometimes we just make it too easy for people to stay; we are just too convenient. There, I said it!!!! It is true and you know it. You have way too many benefits for this person to dare walk away from you. We mother too much, we take care of everything including the home, finances, and oh, the sexual benefits! Making yourself irreplaceable will not always be to your benefit. Just ask a person who wants to go on vacation, but no one else knows how to do their job. You are stuck!! No enjoyment for you 🙂

In any relationship, you have to teach people how to treat you. This is not saying to sit them down and hand them an instruction manual. The way you teach people how to treat you is as time goes on and you share experiences, you have to be honest about what your boundaries are. When things arise that do not sit right with you, they need to be addressed as soon as possible. Allowing people to do and say what they want to you because you care more about their opinion of you than the one you have for yourself is going to eventually take a toll on you. Being a people-pleaser is not a selfless act; it can behave more like self-hate. But that is for a whole other blog. Don’t be a martyr for others that truly would not do a thing for you if you needed it. Put boundaries up. Do not allow people to disrespect you and take advantage of your kindness. This can break you mentally, emotionally, and physically and then your future relationships run the risk of you acting out from the hurt you experienced in the past. He may insist that he wants to be with and you bought it before….”maybe this time, he will show it”….If this guy really loved you, they would not do half of the things he does to hurt you. Not just once, but it is repetitive! Over and over again, you get upset with the way you are being treated, yet you allow the behavior. A friend once said to me, “you can’t keep feeding a monster, and get upset when it grows”. Allowing unacceptable behavior is feeding a monster. You are not going to be happy about how big and healthy you have made that monster when you have a breakdown. And it won’t be the monster’s fault! You have to stand up for yourself! You have to set boundaries and dare someone to cross it. No one is worth your peace. You don’t even have to get ugly about it. You can let people know what you are feeling without letting the feeling lead the conversation. We are all grown here right? Allowing people to take your peace and then getting mad at them for taking it, is a little silly. When you do not want to do something, but you say yes anyway….that’s your fault, not theirs. Don’t complain!! My hand is raised on this one!! I will tell myself that I want to get off of work early then someone calls and ask for a same day appointment. I say yes and when I hang up, I am upset. Like they twisted my arm or something! Why do we do that? There are plenty of scenarios that are similar to this one in all of our relationships and we have to start thinking of our peace.

You have to be honest with yourself here, if he loved you, he would not wait until you were totally and finally so fed up that you are packing your bags to leave before he acknowledges his behavior and wants to change. When you hurt a loved one, it weighs heavy on your heart, knowing that you have hurt them and caused them stress. You love them, you are not going to let that person continue to hurt and being in pain over something you chose to do and/or say (hopefully, you want to make that person whole again and apologize). You would also remember the offense and you make a concerted effort to not just let it happen again without caring about that person’s feelings. When they do that, it is because it was allowed and there was no communication on what is going to benefit your relationship and what will not. A man who loves his woman CANNOT continue to watch her in pain and just be OK. That man keeps you around because you make it easy. You are his meal ticket… Heck, I would not let go either!!

We need to be honest with ourselves, ladies. Stop feeding yourself the lie (He must love me because he won’t leave)just because we are afraid to have a failed relationship and do not want to be alone. You two are the only ones in the relationship, so our opinions on the outside are very limited. At the end of the day, you need to trust your intuition more than anything. You know the answer deep inside and you know what needs to be done. If you have a relationship with God, you really can get the answer. You can lean on His guidance to lead you in what you should do.

So stop telling yourself and others that “he won’t let go”. The real issue that you need to take a look at is knowing all that you know, feeling all that you feel, why do you continue to allow him to stay?

4 Comments Add yours

  1. tskwalker says:

    hmmmm this was definitely a good read! I was able to relate from what I dealt with in relationships in the past and that womens intuition is powerful we have to listen to it more!

    1. dgsunshyne91 says:

      Absolutely!! We have to use our “super powers” more to have more peace in our lives. Thank you!!!

  2. Jackie says:

    Great article. I’ve been married 4 years and after the second year I was telling my husband I wanted a break. Whenever I tell him what I don’t like or that he hurts my feelings, he promises to change. He stops it for awhile and then starts up again. We have two kids (3 and 1) and I’m currently 5 weeks pregnant. My confusion is, what is normal behavior in a relationship and what isn’t? Am I expecting too much or am I justified? I just want to be respected and not yelled at for little things. And I’d love more patience from him. For me and my children (his children too). We’ve had public outbursts, hit each other. I’ve told his parents about his behavior. When my parents are around they keep a close eye on my husband and my kids to make sure he isn’t purposefully making them cry more when they are having a tantrum (well the 3 year old). And yes he does that which I just don’t understand. Why on earth do you want to make your child cry even more????? I’ve considered seeking therapy for myself to understand what’s going on with me that I’m still around and whether he truly loves me like he says he does. He’s not always like this. It’s sometimes.

    1. dgsunshyne91 says:

      Thank you Jackie for your comment. This is a hard place to be in. I would start at the beginning of the relationship. Was he like this before you married him? If so, was your fear of being alone part of why you continued the relationship? There are a lot of men with low self-esteem that seek out sweet women like yourself to control. All of what he is doing, including making babies is part of his control over you. He doesn’t like himself, it seems, and you all are collateral damage. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know what some of this experience feels like. I will never tell a person to leave their marriage but I will say this…. work on you!!! Get stronger! For you and the babies. You are carrying life and you need to pursue peace for all of you. Try to encourage your husband to seek counsel as well. If he doesn’t continue working on you and praying for him. The physical abuse is not good but I don’t have to tell you that. If you have to defend yourself, it may be a good idea to distance yourself while you figure things out and work on you. Be the best woman and mother for those precious babies. They are watching you. I know you don’t really know me but you can definitely contact me outside of this.

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